This is how I die...

Darkness rise
Light vanity fall
Nothing left inside but the death of the dawn

Days become nights as I lose myself
Lost in the noise of a world without you
This is how I die
Bleeding out, screaming out, screaming out, screaming

Knees, hands, broken feet, bleeding as I reach the wall
We end, dead end, dreams end
Sick, cruel fear
Haunting, taunting the broken soul inside

Running in circles, chasing the end
Nothing but fear driving this trend
Death at my door, peeping through the windows
Darkness rise
Light vanity fall
Nothing left inside but the death of the dawn

Days become nights as I become nothing
Lost in the noise of a world without you
This is how I die
Bleeding out, screaming out, screaming out, screaming
This is how I die
Darkness rise
Light vanity fall
Nothing left inside but the death of the dawn

Angel & Demon, one in love

Clouds roll in and Beloved wraps me in warmth.
You, my Solace, comfort your bride
No more fear in this heart as the nighttime rains fall
Protected by Beloved as we move together
Two bodies, one flesh
I cry out as we fly to heights only you have shown me
I look into your eyes and give my all to you
This mortal body may leave
But this love eternal will forever remain
My form, hidden in your darkness as we soar
Angel and Demon, one in love
Embraced by darkest love, I find light
My soul at home and my fearful spirit quiet
Gently you guide me on silver shores
And take me up to the heavy, thunderous clouds
This fear is not a fear of you
Death drives this fear for in it I am lost without you
This mortal body may leave
But this love eternal will forever remain
My form, hidden in your darkness as we soar
Angel and Demon, one in love
Passion, intensity, screaming devotion to one another
As we take the final step
We reach the cliff and fall from grace
The world above ignorantly unaware of the love below
This mortal body may leave
But this love eternal will forever remain
My form, hidden in your darkness as we soar
Angel and Demon, one in love

Goodbye

Ok so wow, truth is out…. there you did it. I hope in the release you find who you are. I hope you can walk away from these things and leave them where they lie. I cannot let you back in, you are a great person and I will always, always be there for you but not like before. Good-bye and good luck, I hope the hurts heal, the happiness comes and the dreams you so earnestly seek, chase and yearn for become a reality. You were a sweet release for me, a place to hide and as I bid thee farewell, take care my friend.

One thing I’ve learnt is that other people can’t make you happy. You need to find what makes you happy and go for it. You need to not rely on other people to make you happy or to teach you how to find joy. Joy is everywhere, in the trusted grip of your best friend’s hand, in the eyes of a child, in the lightning that splits the sky…. just reach for it.

Stop letting other people shape you. You’re perfect as you are.
I drove a lot this weekend, that means lots of thinking time and I did think, I thought of you, the message you sent me, the decisions you have made and realized you don’t get what losing you as a friend means to me. “and you’re next”….. ouch. But yeah, you cut the line and I now give you your release as you move on. This is it though, no half measures here… I won’t call or sms you for any reason…you wanted it, now you have it. This hurts like shit, I’ll be honest and it’s not cause I had/have feelings for you, but because you know me intimately and you walk away with that part of me. So just do me a favour…keep the us things us things ok? Thanks.

Oh and one more thing, thanks.

Tata mater.

Led to other worlds

By the girls she curled within

I took their skins to see Her

Be my ...

Be my mannequin

I cannot remember

How it was that we first met

Curve of moon and haunted shore

The stars were not those heaven sent

Did we come together

At masked palatial balls

In silks and flesh and leather

Or did we come at all?

I dreamt a midnight castle

The eerie song of wolves

And eyes that danced with fire

As they have forever more

Our rites of sin

Have long fathered a hymn

To burden him

By whom slip of after whim

At genesis

Dressed her like the wind

In autumn gowns

That pinned her down

To be my....

Be my mannequin

Always poised on winter

But never would she break

My love craft and black witch heart

That pounded in her wake

We kissed on distant balconies

A law unto her own

Thirteenth dark commandment

Of figures pressed to stone

Turning cream with fantasies

That God alone would know

We graced the vomitorium

With the sweet excess of Rome

Flagrant in the past

Our names were sweetly carved

On the tree of life in long dead languages

Led to other worlds
By the girls she curled within
I took their skins to see Her
Be my ...

Be my mannequin

I tongued the nuns at Louviers

But not one word possessed

Her divine right, an archetype

For mortal Goddesses...

Footprints

“Today I sat alone at the window

And I watched our little girl outside at play

With the little boy next door like so many times before

But something didn't seem quite right today

So I went outside to see what they were doing

And then the teardrops made my eyes grow dim'

Cause I heard him name a game and I hung my head in shame

When I heard our little girl say to him.

I don't wanna play house;

I know it can't be fun

I've watched mommy and daddy

And if that's the way it's done

I don't wanna play house;

It makes my mommy cry'

Cause when she played house

My daddy said good-bye.

I don't wanna play house;

I know it can't be fun

I've watched mommy and daddy

And if that's the way it's done

I don't wanna play house;

It makes my mommy cry'

Cause when she played house

My daddy said good-bye.”


What kind of footprint are you leaving behind?
What kind of legacy are you leaving for your children and those around you to model themselves on?

Some days, mine is the worst example under the sun, but others, it’s a great one where I have everything in line and my thoughts, actions and heart are pure...

I now pose the question: When asked to do a speech on their role model, will your child choose you?

Imagine if they couldn’t.
Imagine if the way we conducted our lives was something our children did not aspire to.
Imagine if they looked at us and saw two people, the one they see and the one the world gets to see and they never want to live that way.

Stop.

Think about the things you do and say before you do and say them.Love with all you have, hate no one, give to those in need, spare a shoulder, an ear or even a smile and your footprint will be easily seen as one of love and hope.
Do not lie to or about people.
Be the real you, all the time.
Let your yes be your yes and your no your no.
I challenge myself with theses words too and vow to leave a footprint my children will want to step into and keep taking forward.
I will do everything I can to be a good role model to my child, the learning years are the forming years.
Consider them the world’s eyes, for what they see and learn from you is what they will take into the world.
They are you.
Dare to be different in this world of clones and copycats.
Make you the person you want to be for the future generations.
Let your legacy be beautiful enough to become a legend.

Here we go,welcome to my funeral

without you i don't even have a pulse

all alone it's dark and cold

with every move i die

here I gothis is my confession oh

a lost cause

nobody can save my soul

i am so delusional

withevery move i die

I have destroyed our life

it gone,

payback is sick

it all my fault

I'm dancing with tears in my eyes

Just fighting

To get through the night

I'm losing it

(Losing it)(Losing it)

With every move I die

I'm faded

I'm broken inside

I've wasted the love of my life

I'm losing it

(Losing it)(Losing it)

With every move I die

So when did I

become such a hypocrite

double life

lies that you caught me in

trust me i'm paying for it

with every move i die

On the floor

I'm just a zombie

who i am

is not who i wanna be

I'm such a tragedy

with every move i die

I have destroyed our life

it gone

payback is sick

it all my fault

I'm dancing with tears in my eyes

Just fighting

To get through the night

I'm losing it

(Losing it)(Losing it)

With every move I die

I'm faded

I'm broken inside

I've wasted the love of my life

I'm losing it

(Losing it)(Losing it)

With every move I die

This is it and nowyour really gone

this time

never once thought i'd be in pieces

left behind

I'm dancing with tears in my eyes

Just fighting

To get through the night

I'm losing it

(Losing it)(Losing it)

With every move I die

I'm faded

I'm broken inside

I've wasted the love of my life

I'm losing it

(Losing it)(Losing it)

With every move i die

You make me sick
I hate you for everything you did to me
You took away my innocence and my trust in people
I hate the fact that I let you in and now, no one will ever get in again
You are like a poison in my veins and you are killing me
I cannot breathe, you choke me
I hate you more than anything
I would rather take my own life than live knowing you draw breath
The darkness you have become swallows me and I cannot see the light
I love the numbness that comes with night, the sleepy shadows swallowing the sun
Here, I can hide
But you creep in through the cracks and you haunt my dreams
You steal sweet sleep and devour my desire to live
I want you gone but crave you here
Sweet darkness, hated light
This fake world has made me hate myself, my surroundings
You compound my fears; make me see how weak I am
Leave me now, stay in my veins
Haunt the hours I draw breath
Bring sweet solace and leave me here for dead…

The truth inside me will scare you.
None of you know who I am, where I have been, what I have done, what I have seen.
There are things in this heart that will remain chained up forever.

You think you know, but trust me, you don’t.

Even those I have let in, have not scratched the surface, cracked the shell.
I am me and I am shaped, moulded and tainted by my life. None of you can ever be me or would even want to be.

Hatred is a wasted emotion and my heart is indifferent to this life and what it claims to be able to offer me.
Oh, there may be things that can brighten it, but you can never take the scars, the bruises and the memories.
The nightmares that vividly play in my head at the sound of midnight thunder…the fear that creeps my spine when I am alone in my head.
Nothing you do or say can take this away or change what I have become in my heart.
I won’t let you in for fear I can’t get you out.

The lies in this world are gentle, constant reminders. Thunder rolling into my heart, bringing with it the black clouds of night.
How can you change this, take it away.
Innocence, once lost, is forever taken.

The truth inside me will scare you.
None of you know who I am, where I have been, what I have done, what I have seen.
There are things in this heart that will remain chained up forever.

Baby girl

Today I thought of you and had that old familiar feeling, the one where you and I and our moment was all that mattered, where that brief time I had with you was heaven and you were my everything.

When I thought of that moment I thought…
What if?
What if you had stayed?
What if you had been with me?
What if I had been blessed enough to go through life with you?
What if?

What would you look like?
Would you have my eyes, as your brother does, or would you have had your father’s eyes?
I wonder what your hair would have been like, blonde or dark?
I wonder if you’d have had his dimple, his smile, or would He have given you mine?
I wonder what your scent would have been first thing in the morning when I picked you up, or what it would have been like to hold you when you cried?

I know that there is no point to this train of thought but I just wanted to let you know I have not forgotten you, that your memory lives on in my heart.
That there is not a day that passes that I don’t think of you, hear your heartbeat, or wish it had been different.

My baby girl, my sweet, sweet girl…Mommy loves you.
I know you are with Jesus now, that He is looking after you and I am at peace with that.
I love you and wish you could have met your brother and the rest of our crazy clan. Look down on us baby girl, and ask Jesus to be with us everyday – as you are in my heart.

I love you and wait patiently for the day that Father brings us together and I can finally hold you in my arms.

All my love,
Mommy.

Fallen angel

The river rages, pulls me in
I fear no more this distant thing
This lie, this game, this thing I crave
Darkness brings my comfort
Alone I wait, I crave, I ache
These thoughts are not my own
The ones that you create
Fallen angel hold on tight
My solace is the night
The blood in these veins was tainted by you
Pounding, searing, thumping
It screams
My heart weak in the corner of this shell
Raging silence and thunder clash
The dark, the dark, the silence
You alone can cover this
Take this all away
Yet you twist this game
Deeper still I fall
Broken wings cannot fly, cannot fight the plunge
Fallen angel hold on tight
My solace is the night
Bleeding in your hands I wait
You watch the clock and relish the game
Tortured soul I watch, wait, ache
No longer in denial I give up myself to you
This fight, this plight, this plunge
My wings are black and broken
Torn by my love for you
I hear the voices screaming silently
Shouting, calling, urging
Black their home and dark their night
I long to be embraced
Fallen angel hold on tight
My solace is the night
Your hands reach around my heart
I fear too rough, I allow this touch
Falling further still I scream your name inside
You hear me not, you feel me not
The climb is what I fear
The hills to high, the end so far
I fall, deeper, deeper, deeper
You have all of me
Naught for the world to snatch
You glance at me and I feel weak
Weaker still, weaker evermore
Broken wings cannot fly
Fallen angel hold on tight
My solace is the night

Get real or get out...

I have seen so many things in my 24 years, but in the last 5 months, have seen more fakes and liars than I had ever hoped to.

You say you all care, ask how I am and then walk away before I give you the truth.
You could never handle the truth.

“The past is a gaping hole. You try to run from it, but the more you run, the deeper it grows behind you, its edges yawning at your heels. Your only chance is to turn around and face it. But it's like looking down into the grave of your love, or kissing the mouth of a gun, a bullet trembling in its dark nest, ready to blow your head off.”

My friend of the world, you are so right…. there is never truly an escape from these things.

Not one of you, not one – gets what I have been through and the nightmares spattering my past with hatred, blood, hurt and vile discontent at every breath I draw. But then again, do you really care. I know those of you who do will be the ones to say it to me, but this is not about you.

The truth is something no one ever wants to hear but they all want in a way.
But I am over this and you and all your lies. You need to get real. But not with me –your time with me is up. Get real with yourself… You float in and out of here like you were invited… Leave. Get out and don’t bother looking back, all you will find is my back to you.

The only thing real in this life is pain and by feeling that I know I am alive.


“Bleeding heart and suffered soul
Cry no more the light is gone
The darkest solace is yours
Enjoy the silence and rest my soul”

KK

Free fall...

Trust is a free fall into His hands.

Am I able to do it?
Can I let go of the control I want to possess and simply let You be You.
I don't know if I want to or if I can.

I want things to be the way I want them to!
The thing is, if I am in control, You are not involved. You need to enable me to do this right, precious Father.
My love for You, overwhelms me and has poured into my heart for him yet I need you to help me fall.

Help me free fall into trusting You.

I love you Daddy, hold my hand and never let go.

KK.

Healing is worth the pain...

When we fell down as children and banged up our knees, we got up, had a magic mommy kiss, a plaster and off we went. We never thought of the process of healing that "eina" had to go through.. the cells renewing, the anti-bodies fighting the bacteria.. we just played again... the hurt was over and the healing happened unnoticed

Now, grown up, the "einas" are emotional.
If we try and apply the childhood technique, we find that the plaster hides these and we can move on. What we are also aware of in our moving on is the festering under the plaster. Most of us stick another one over and move on, yet again. Every deep enough physical wound creates a scar.
In my opinion, every emotional, undealt with, plastered over wound creates a scar.
I dont think that it would be a pretty process in opening a physical scar and hoping your body could fix it without leaving a scar.. not possible.
So now this leads to me wondering...When we come to Father and we need healing, what does He do?
He opens the scars, peels back the plasters and gets to work.
And it hurts.
We have to retrace our steps. We are taking one step forward in Him, but at the same time we are going back to the very things we did not want to face.
What I have found is, in Him, the pain is far less than when we were alone and in the world. He gives us the ability to cope with the pain in His love.
And once He has completed His works, we feel brand new and the scar is gone. A miracle has been worked and the healing has proven to be worth the pain.

Question is...can you stay through the process...His healing does not happen in our time or in our ways, this happens at His will.
So today I step up to the plate and say:

Father,
Heal this heart and make it new. Make me the person You desire.
Put me into the Refiner's fire and I will trust You.

I'm all thought out..
KK

Selfless or Stupid?

The word I am looking for is suckerpunch....
That's what I feel like just happened to my heart and soul and I cannot breathe.
I don't want to breathe unless it can all be rewound and back to yesterday.

Asking someone to walk away from someone they love must be the cruelest form of punishment...yet it is not really to punish, is it?
The reason these things happen is to love, protect and guide us.

Honestly, leave me alone right now and let me be with the one I love, the one my heart desires and the one who wants the same.. yet I will be with You. In Your hands and presence. You can comfort and guide my way as no other and in You I wil find the words and ways to deal with a crossroads. Selflessness is loving someone enough to walk away, even when it kills you.

Placing others above oneself is the biggest challenge human beings face these days and I had to right now. I did not want to but I know what is right and hurting others is wrong. My heart will heal, but it will never forget.

Was I selfless or stupid to walk away...time will tell.

There are no words, not one.
Not even these rambling can suffice, yet I will leave you with one question...

Are we selfless or stupid when we make decisions?

Laters.

Ok.. so this is me.
I am not who you think I am.
If you think you know me, think again.
No one will ever know who I am, unless I allow them in.
For now, my Father and I are in a process of finding out who I am…of learning, teaching, discovery and of revelation. I do not, honestly, know yet who I am.
What I do know though is that in knowing Him, I will find out who I am. Gain a true identity and be able to stand firm in my convictions of personality.

The one question I find myself asking over and over… Am I being true to myself in this world, or am I merely a sheep. Do I stand out in a crowd or do I blend in, become a wallflower and leave no lasting impression on any single life Father has allowed me into?
I want to be able to say I made a difference in at least one person’s life, in a meaningful way.
I never, ever want to be the person who has a funeral full of people who had no clue who I am, was or what I was meant to be.

The title of my blog may not seem very exhilarating or interesting to you, but to those who know me, there is a deeper meaning to this.
Daisy Days are the days where we get to lie in the fields with Father, staring up into the midday sky and simply be with Him…My life right now, is full of those beautiful moments and I want to live in Daisy Days forever.

For today my goal and prayer is simple:

Father reveal to me who I am created as in Your perfect, abundant love.

Till the next time…Seek Daisy Days.