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When you look at me you say you see perfection. But you’re wrong. Deep down there is a war, an ugly, imperfect war. I’m fighting to stay alive and you contritely tell me it’s nothing, you’re perfect. In all the time you’ve known me, you’ve not known me. I know if I let you see me you’ll go and this will worsen my load. I want to be perfect for you. To see myself the way you see me. No flaws, no faults, worthy. Just don’t give up on me okay? I beg. I need you to believe for me while I can’t. I need you to be strong for me when I can’t. I need you to fight this war for me through love when I can’t. Promise me when I tell you all about my battle that you won’t go. Tell me that I won’t have to fight this alone. I love you and need you. Please let me be selfish this once. Give me time to fight for myself or lose and die trying. Tell me you love me and you’ll always be there. I want to be the best I can be but right now I need you to be your best for me. Stand by me, hold my hand and walk this road with me…

A letter to my Girl

Bunny,

I wish I had been there from the beginning, my girl. To hold you and protect you when he hurt you, when he made you, a child, feel so worthless. I wish I’d been able to hold you, to protect you, to take it in your place. You have such a pure soul, such a gentle heart. I wish I could take the scars and replace them with smiles, but real ones. The ones you have at 3am when we are wasted and laughing our heads off at nothing and everything, the smile you have when you see Pooh. I hate him Bunny but I love him for you. I want to kill him for the hurt I know he makes you feel but I know you are you, my stubborn friend… you been taking lessons from me?
I wish I could go back with you, to our baby girl O and take her and Boo away with us. Keep them safe and never let the world get to them. Rewind the days that have gone by and let their little hearts and minds heal. My Bunny, My girl, I wish I could. I wish I could. I wish there was a way for me to look to the future, go into it and take away anything that can or will cause you pain. I wish there was something I could do to stop the raging, screaming, weeping girl inside from falling deeper and deeper into that hole. I wish we didn’t have to tell the world we love the way they lie. That for once we could be open and frank and brutally honest, but me and you Bunny, we are not for this world, we are not part of it. Me and you and O and Boo, Babygirl.. it’s us for them against the world. I love you more than anything and I would give my life for you. I am here. Never forget it.

I love you my Binxi Bunny.

KK

As ek geweet het dis die laaste keer dat ek jou aan die slaap sou sien raak, sou ek meer moeite gedoen het om jou warm toe te maak. As ek geweet het dis die laaste keer wat ek jou by die deur sien uitloop, sou ek jou gedruk en gesoen het - en jou teruggeroep het vir nog 'n drukkie. As ek geweet het dis die laaste keer dat ek jou stem sou hoor, sou ek dit op band op geneem het sodat ek dit weer en weer kon speel.

Soen groet

Die nag was koud maar jou hande was warm
Jou hitte het my hart weer tuis laat voel
Verbode soene in die maanlig het my hart laat jaag
Toe ons weer kyk was dit tyd om te groet
Ek’t jou met n swaar hart laat gaan
Ek en jy het geweet dit was die laaste
Ons laaste soen groet

Jare later staan jy weer voor my in die maanlig
My hart so koud soos die winters nag
Jare alleen, jare gewag
Jou hand raak saggies aan my wang en my trane val
Mt soen groet, my engel, my seëlsgenoot
Stadig lig jy my kop en kyk in my oë
Ek kan nie weer die kans waag
Nie weer, nie nog n soen groet
Jy glimlag, my hart jaag
En jy soen my sag
Ons eerste soen groet

If you were...

The cold sweeps in as the door shuts
You were never mine yet I loved you as if you were
I dreamed as if you were
I hoped as if you were
I talked to you in my head as if you were
But you weren’t
Never will be
I know you want to be
I wonder if you loved me as if you were
If you dreamed as if you were
Hoped as if you were
And talked to me in your head as if you were
Selflessly I’ll walk away knowing you never were
I don’t want to hurt you, but you’re with her
Glassy eyes filled with tears dreaming as if you were
Glancing, cold, dark all around
It’s like you never were…

Today

Today I miss my baby girl
Today I wonder if your hair would’ve curled.
Today I wonder about the times we’d have spent
Today I sometimes think I know your scent
Mommy loves you more than you know
Your big brother would’ve made such a show
We’d have laughed and played and cried
But you would’ve been mommy’s pride
Big brother would’ve made you his little Queen
What a pleasure to mommy that sight would’ve been
Today my girl, I am not strong
But knowing you’re with Him keeps me plodding on
I’ll keep your memory in my heart
As it seems that’s where you were meant to be from the start
Mommy and big brother love you princess…

Direction

So I have been thinking, rethinking and then when I had done that, I did a little more thinking…This blog needs a new direction, as does my life.
So handbrake up, flicker on and make the turn…..to where?
For me the direction of the blog would be the easiest, but what about my life?
I need to seriously start making changes for the better, facing my responsibilities and shaking things up…I am nearly 25 and it is time to grow up.
I won’t be blogging about the changes I make or the decisions either, but I have decided that the blog will take on the form of a daily (and sometimes not daily) account of the life of a character – still have no name for her – growing up and learning about life. There will be things in it that actually pertain to my life, but most of it will be fiction. I know that there are some of you who will see a character and think it’s you – it’s not. This is not real life.

KK