Untitled

When you look at me you say you see perfection. But you’re wrong. Deep down there is a war, an ugly, imperfect war. I’m fighting to stay alive and you contritely tell me it’s nothing, you’re perfect. In all the time you’ve known me, you’ve not known me. I know if I let you see me you’ll go and this will worsen my load. I want to be perfect for you. To see myself the way you see me. No flaws, no faults, worthy. Just don’t give up on me okay? I beg. I need you to believe for me while I can’t. I need you to be strong for me when I can’t. I need you to fight this war for me through love when I can’t. Promise me when I tell you all about my battle that you won’t go. Tell me that I won’t have to fight this alone. I love you and need you. Please let me be selfish this once. Give me time to fight for myself or lose and die trying. Tell me you love me and you’ll always be there. I want to be the best I can be but right now I need you to be your best for me. Stand by me, hold my hand and walk this road with me…

A letter to my Girl

Bunny,

I wish I had been there from the beginning, my girl. To hold you and protect you when he hurt you, when he made you, a child, feel so worthless. I wish I’d been able to hold you, to protect you, to take it in your place. You have such a pure soul, such a gentle heart. I wish I could take the scars and replace them with smiles, but real ones. The ones you have at 3am when we are wasted and laughing our heads off at nothing and everything, the smile you have when you see Pooh. I hate him Bunny but I love him for you. I want to kill him for the hurt I know he makes you feel but I know you are you, my stubborn friend… you been taking lessons from me?
I wish I could go back with you, to our baby girl O and take her and Boo away with us. Keep them safe and never let the world get to them. Rewind the days that have gone by and let their little hearts and minds heal. My Bunny, My girl, I wish I could. I wish I could. I wish there was a way for me to look to the future, go into it and take away anything that can or will cause you pain. I wish there was something I could do to stop the raging, screaming, weeping girl inside from falling deeper and deeper into that hole. I wish we didn’t have to tell the world we love the way they lie. That for once we could be open and frank and brutally honest, but me and you Bunny, we are not for this world, we are not part of it. Me and you and O and Boo, Babygirl.. it’s us for them against the world. I love you more than anything and I would give my life for you. I am here. Never forget it.

I love you my Binxi Bunny.

KK